she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
