waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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