just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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