I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
