Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
