I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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