rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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