I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
