The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
