Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
