I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
