I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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