im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
