just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize