when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
