I'm lost and stupid without you.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
