He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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