I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
