I've blown a few things in my day
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
