Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just gargled with NyQuil
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
