Are we in a gay sports bar?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my shit smells like andre
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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