Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
