weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
