Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
