Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
