I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
