He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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