I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
