Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
