Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
