My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
