just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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