You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
