Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
is it fun? or sober?
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