margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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