I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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