i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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