He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
