Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
