a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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