I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
