i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
