So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
