The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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