Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
