you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
