It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She bit a glass in half.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
