I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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