I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
then he tried to convert me to islam
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
