I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
