Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
