if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
