i love accidental penises.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
