I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
