Can i not drive my cunt home
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
