I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
